This is my final entry and after reading through everything written here (for the first time) I am filled with multiple emotions. I feel alternately proud, elated, tired and defeated. Much has gone by and this journal record helps me see that more than anything else does. I am struggling to find the choice phrases to sum it all up - it's beyond reducing to some platitudes.
I said last night at dinner that it this point it's become an "endurance" contest. I continue to struggle to box my presentation into 20 minutes. Great slashes of information have occurred which leave me grieving and ambivalent with what is left. I went over my presentation a couple of times last night but couldn't finish it - it's turning to "blah, blah, blah." This morning, now that I am fresh, it works better and tomorrow will come and pass.

 
Have hit the emotional low point of this project. The tipping point was practicing my presentation with Julie yesterday. It's down to 40 minutes and she found the LD section too much. It is apparent that this should be drastically reduced much like the earlier Landmark section. I talked later to Karen, who shares Julie's perspective, and she noted that those people who know about learning disabilities don't need this. And that this is really not about my project.
It all comes home to me now. As I said in my application process to Marlboro, I'm not in love with technology but I am in love with teaching. I like to riff on about LD students and teaching them. I want to feel and show my strengths. (and I believe that's part of the value of being in this program is to help me realize my expertise in LD teaching and even, through reflection, advance my expertise). I will spend this morning going over the usability testing one more time - it feels as if I haven't really given it my best attention, like many of the ongoing technical aspects of this program. I'm dissatisfied with myself and insecure about presenting about my project when it gets into the techical details. I'd much rather pontificate in broad, moralistic terms about the ramifications of technology upon teaching of students with LD. I'm a divergent thinker and have trouble with closure. Despite the specifics of working longer on my presentation than I want to - feeling anxious and off-schedule about the finishing the other pieces of the capstone such as the reflection paper - I am struggling with having a minimum of tolerance for any sort of setback that appears to take away from focusing on my project, i.e. stopping to put gas in Karen's car, arrangements for kids. Karen's Mom arrives tomorrow and this situation, which has long been in the works, in a way perfectly encapsulates the terms of our (Mom and me) relationship. She's certainly nice enough and I value how important her relationship with Karen and the kids is, but for me it's always an invasion of my privacy, my mental personal space. Her coming at this time is an impact on my mental energy (planning and assisting Karen in her worries about having a good visit) and time (extra shopping and clearning around the house). This at a time when I am feeling the least resilent. There is a life lesson in here that I cannot appreciate at the moment.
The deaths of JM and LM, both two days ago, also spread a sense of gloom within me.
Time to work.

 
Smooshed together all the text I have written - both the earlier "reflection" and the recent speech preparation material with the slide show that I started. The slide show gives me a tangible chunking format to work from. I also have now incorporated the simulation within the presentation slide show. Have developed more of a focus - three parts of the process - technical, student and teacher - to coagulate the sprawl around. This feels a little radical and risky to stay away from the deliverables so much but it makes sense to me - I think this is what I, me, have to offer.
I will practice the presentation with Karen tomorrow as part of process of cleaning it up. Also have to turn my attention back to the guidelines and really gets those wrapped up and fully completed. On Monday practice with Lucie with more organizing and practice. I think I do need a couple more screen shots and will go to Landmark on Tuesday. Should be starting to figure out the reflection paper by then. Also some technical details of saving all my materials correctly.

 
Monday I wrote a large part of the guidelines explanations. Went to Landmark on Tuesday and finished these. Asked Rob and Liza (both who are very interested in creating course web sites) to read through and critique what I have written. I think I got some good stuff down, but have lost some focus by trying to write to different audiences - landmark faculty, other teachers, marlboro faculty. One insight came when thinking about the value of navigation - really the value of have orientation markers, knowing if you have arrived at a destination - that came across with the usability testing. For now I put the guidelines aside until this weekend and work on the presentation. At Landmark on Tuesday I made some screen shots and added them to a powerpoint presentation. I may want a few more shots and I may not want to use powerpoint, but I want to work through my ideas first. that's what I am doing today - Wednesday - have spent several hours writing a mock presentation that is basically a narrative of my capstone experience. It's way too long (5 pages and only 2 thirds the way along), and probably I will find more to include once this is captured. I plan to rework this for the rest of this work week and then return to the guidelines on the weekend. On Monday I want to practice my presentation in front on Lucie. Perhaps I can do the full version and learn how to cut it to size for the actual date. I would welcome the opportunity for someone to hear the whole ball of wax.

 
the home stretch, the fourth quarter, the bottom of the nineth. Here we go, time to focus and gather it all together. I feel as if I have a lot of data and loose ends. I have met some of my goals and have not met some of my goals. Met with Peggy yesterday, Saturday, and she encouraged me to take stock. She was affirming and suggests that I have done good work. I have come to resolve for myself that my approach and results were more of a process than a product. But I have learned some things and now is the time to account for those. We also had capstone seminar and went over the presentation. We all had a short trial and it went terribly for me. Ironically I have been for at least a couple of months using the idea of the presentation in my head to figure out my progress and have developed short drafts of pertinent things to say. However, most of those things did not come to me. Of course, the message here is to better figure out what I want to say (I told Peggy that I would probably develop everything I wanted to cover and then edit it back to the proper length) and then rehearse. My goal would be to practice in front of Lucie when I meet with her next Monday. That means I will finish the bibliography and review and write up notes about the usability tests, then write up the paragraphs on the guidelines, then prepare the presentation. That should be done by Monday. Then pull together the reflection paper and put all the materials on a disc. This by Friday. Meet with classmates on Friday for some more rehearsal. My goal is to feel "present" on the day of the presentation - to really feel like I have something to say and to convey it with interest.

 
I'm waiting for my next usability session. Student delayed to take a test; however, nice that she told me, but leaves me hanging and I have kids to pick up in a little while. So far the tests tell me that I'm not a web designer, or at least, that I don't have the artistic sensibility to be one. I need both technical and aesthetic taste help. Interestingly, the web site favored by the last student was the WebCt site since it looked professional, on a commercial level, suggesting some sort of dependability of product.
Overall my hope is to create web materials that aren't static, but advance the learning process: to use my "weave" course design analogy with the site and orient the students according to this.
On another plane I realize that my ongoing anxiety about this project has to do with the product end of things. I am good with process, and that may be why I have taught elementary and LD students. This is process oriented. I think I have learned alot, and that my results are my process; but my products are nothing of significance, of tangible worth. It's more in the realm of knowledge, not concrete results, that you can point to and say this is what has been created.

 
I described to someone recently that I felt I was on a treadmill of self-doubt about the capstone. When I am working on it everything is fine but then later, at home, a wave like a tide washes over me of worrying about what to do next or if I am doing enough. I go for bike rides and this relaxes me partially because I process things and get some good ideas and insights and because I come back with a to-do list that then makes the going feel more managable. I guess this is part of the process. The resilence and resolve when facing a challenge and the unknown. I felt that with last summer's classes and realilze on some level it is good to remember what it is like to be a student and not to be in control. I felt less that way during the year because I was strong with the pedagogy stuff. Now with the capstone it feels as my shortcomings as a technician are glaring and eat away at me. For example I am letting go off my goal to have fully accessible and compliant web sites. I can't do the flash program to do the buttons. Then there are the html and css demands that I should have focused on more. I have been feeling good about my guidelines but as Peggy reminded me I need to provide more explanation about them for my potential audience. So there is more to do on that end.
Today I did meet with different students and set up appointments for Wed. Thurs. and Fri. of this week. Ten appointments with possibly a couple more. This should work but I haven't heard if the research proposal is approved. This could be a major setback. Marie says that she will contact me with a verbal OK as soon as she hears. I just hope that this is before Weds. at 10 when the first test happens.
I did practice the test with Rob and did a lousy job. Did not set it up well ahead of time. Did not use the timer well. The questions were not so good or rather it is not clear how helpful they will be. I learned alot about how bad the site seem. Lack of sense of orientation. All in all I guess, though, this is the point. I wonder how to draw conclusions about this.