This is my final entry and after reading through everything written here (for the first time) I am filled with multiple emotions. I feel alternately proud, elated, tired and defeated. Much has gone by and this journal record helps me see that more than anything else does. I am struggling to find the choice phrases to sum it all up - it's beyond reducing to some platitudes.
I said last night at dinner that it this point it's become an "endurance" contest. I continue to struggle to box my presentation into 20 minutes. Great slashes of information have occurred which leave me grieving and ambivalent with what is left. I went over my presentation a couple of times last night but couldn't finish it - it's turning to "blah, blah, blah." This morning, now that I am fresh, it works better and tomorrow will come and pass.

 
Have hit the emotional low point of this project. The tipping point was practicing my presentation with Julie yesterday. It's down to 40 minutes and she found the LD section too much. It is apparent that this should be drastically reduced much like the earlier Landmark section. I talked later to Karen, who shares Julie's perspective, and she noted that those people who know about learning disabilities don't need this. And that this is really not about my project.
It all comes home to me now. As I said in my application process to Marlboro, I'm not in love with technology but I am in love with teaching. I like to riff on about LD students and teaching them. I want to feel and show my strengths. (and I believe that's part of the value of being in this program is to help me realize my expertise in LD teaching and even, through reflection, advance my expertise). I will spend this morning going over the usability testing one more time - it feels as if I haven't really given it my best attention, like many of the ongoing technical aspects of this program. I'm dissatisfied with myself and insecure about presenting about my project when it gets into the techical details. I'd much rather pontificate in broad, moralistic terms about the ramifications of technology upon teaching of students with LD. I'm a divergent thinker and have trouble with closure. Despite the specifics of working longer on my presentation than I want to - feeling anxious and off-schedule about the finishing the other pieces of the capstone such as the reflection paper - I am struggling with having a minimum of tolerance for any sort of setback that appears to take away from focusing on my project, i.e. stopping to put gas in Karen's car, arrangements for kids. Karen's Mom arrives tomorrow and this situation, which has long been in the works, in a way perfectly encapsulates the terms of our (Mom and me) relationship. She's certainly nice enough and I value how important her relationship with Karen and the kids is, but for me it's always an invasion of my privacy, my mental personal space. Her coming at this time is an impact on my mental energy (planning and assisting Karen in her worries about having a good visit) and time (extra shopping and clearning around the house). This at a time when I am feeling the least resilent. There is a life lesson in here that I cannot appreciate at the moment.
The deaths of JM and LM, both two days ago, also spread a sense of gloom within me.
Time to work.